Harry Potter and the Urges to Tinkle
by TheFunkyDurian
Summary: Harry needed to Tinkle. Hermione took it as a license to kill. And I, the Author, Am now completely terrified for my life...
1. Urges

**A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first humor fic and apparently, im bored. I just needed something to do in 15 minutes. If you find this fic offensive or 'sick' in some sort of twisted way, im sorry. I accept constructive criticism--but that's it. This is just the offspring of my twisted imagination. Moving on!**

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"Pssst!"

Hermione looked up from her book, looking strangely at the person who rudely called out to her. She rolled her eyes in disbelief as she went back onto the 478th page of her 890 page spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it,which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape.

"pssst!"

Hermione looked up once again from her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape and hissed angrily.

"What?!" She whispered quite loudly, making Madam Pince twitch in horror. Ever since that monster book got out from one of the shelves, she had acquired the strange and disturbing habit of twitching upon hearing the smallest of sounds. Back to Hermione, she was too busy finding a sharp and pointed object to throw at the annoying, and I quote, "Worthless Piece of lalalalala...", end quote. Upon finding a rather dull-ended toothpick, she threw it to his direction, only having it poke him in the arm. Grunting in frustration, and having Madam Pince do a series of strange twitches, she went back to the, now, 480th page of her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape.

A long series of minutes have passed and strangely enough, the "pssst"ing (a notice: PSSTing makes the author slap herself continuously due to her obsessive compulsive disorder. As all of you may know, she is now covered in red slap marks the size of big foot's Gluteous maximus) has disappeared. Feeling the odd and awkward sound of silence, Hermione scratched her curly mop of hair a few times in frustration, making the pink butterfly clip snap open, which had its spring fly off and land into the orange juice of Ginny, which she happily drank.

"Harry!" Hermione called out, making Madam Pince faint on an unsuspecting Severus Snape. Harry stared at her and grinned mischievously.

"What are you up to?" She asked again as Ginny desperately tried to get her attention (clapping, stomping, even singing), seemingly choking on the said 'Spring'.

"I dont know what im talking about." Harry said, grinning. Hermione looked at him as if he was some kind of idiot.

"...isnt it 'what YOU'RE talking about' ? " She said again, throwing her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape, onto the couch-which bonked an unsuspecting Ronald Weasley on the head and knocked him unconscious.

"Oh...right...sorry. The author must've had some sort of typo or something." (Well! I am certainly insulted!) Harry covered his ears as the author rambled on and on about the unlikeliness (Harry stresses: if that's even a word) of her having a typo error.

"Where was I? Oh-What in Merlin's name are you up to?" Hermione said, sneering at the smirking Harry Potter in front of her.

"Oh...I was just calling you cause I needed take a tinkle." He said, shrugging and going back to his notes. Hermione squinted her face in disgust (Which seemed to look like a constipated goat). Hermione took that sign as a license to kill.

"Harry! That's completely unethical!"

"..."

"...er...That aint cool,...er...yo!" Hermione said, having her arms mock those of a (what's-their-names?) 'Thugs'. Harry was holding back his laughter.

"What?" She asked again, stomping her foot-only being scratched mercilessly by crookshanks...well...crookshanks excluding her well-shaped tail. Harry, being the hero he was (mumblemumblecanonmumble), got crookshanks and threw him to another helpless victim: Cho Chang, who was-just as Hermione, Mercilessly scratched and bitten (if cats ever DID bite) by crookshanks. Pushing aside the strange Chinese jargon Cho was letting out, Harry smiled at Hermione and chuckled. If air was even visible, you'd see black-colored ones coming out of Hermione's nostrils (which leaves a filthy image in the author's head, having known that it will just be mistaken for as disgusting, gooey snot).

"What now! Do you want me to accompany you while you do your business?" Hermione asked, glaring at Harry.

"Yea-whoops. Mother lalalalala..." Harry said as he quickly got the two magazines Dean was reading (all entitled PLAYBOY, which had a strange looking model wearing 'barely' underwear-yes, the author calls them 'barely') and covered himself. He ran quickly out the door, bumping at the clear sliding door. Dumbledore had decided to change all antique doors to sliding glass ones. So far, there are about 50 forehead prints and multiple nose bleeds planted on each one-no...make that 50 forehead prints multiple nose bleeds, and a kissy mark in Cherry Berry lipstick(which was obviously made by Draco Malfoy-do not ask why...). As Harry recovered, he ran straight into the nearest bathroom-only finding Draco Malfoy singing to the tune of Aqua's "Barbie Girl" in the German version, of course. (The author twitches)

As Hermione grabbed all her composure back, she got hold of her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape and continued reading.

Harry entered the room once again, looking extremely dashing and...er...debonair-y (the author feels too lazy to write on how he mysteriously transformed into a 007 agent--and no, he did not drink his suspected 'radioactive pee juice'). His hair was still the same-shaggy, random, sexy...(The author denies that she is thinking of 'thoughts')...and he sported a very formal polo shirt which had two buttons down at the front, untucked and ironed; A pair of black pants which seemed to make him look taller; And finally, a new pair of glasses. Hermione found herself inhaling the addictive scent of his 'cologne' (The author is fully aware that men find it offensive if they are told to be wearing 'perfume/eau de toilette' or however they spell the latter one). Ginny, still holding on for dear life, was on Harry's feet, begging for help. She was only kicked away, making her choke some more and die a painful death.

As Hermione took her time to stare at Harry with so much lust-the author plans to describe the whole scenario (on goes TV screen). A bright flash of light...er...flashes as Harry enters, having his shaggy, sexy, random...(slap) hair sway back and forth. He had his hands in his pockets, and mysteriously looked even more muscular and toned as of the lanky one he just was minutes ago. He ran a hand through that shaggy, sexy, random...(the author feels the need to run herself over by a car to stop her from viciously attacking an unsuspecting actor who goes by the name of Daniel Radcliffe) hair, and winked (in slow motion) at the audience (you-or Hermione...whatever...you pick).

Now, as the author slaps you back to her fanfiction reality--Hermione snaps out of her reverie, finding the now, newly transformed Harry looking weirdly at her. She dare not notice Luna coming in and dragging Ron's helpless body into the broom closet, which she also went into and locked the door tight. With a familiar groan and an "Oh...Luna..." from the closet (the author rolls her eyes at those who still do NOT know the 'person' who 'groaned and said oh Luna'), Hermione stared back at Harry, completely unaware that crookshanks had been done with Cho a long time ago, and continued on with his mission on scratching her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape.

Harry inched closer to Hermione (one, mocking the movements of a guy in a heated dance of 'Tango'; The author is now twitching in delight) and placed his hands gently on the side of her face (ala Superman and Lois Lane sigh; The author stresses the need to say that superman and Lois Lane have close similarities with the Harry Hermione relationship-but she will not dwell on that for now). As they both circled in the same position, looking at each other's eyes with so much intensity, Seamus barged through the doors, holding a Firewhiskey and seemingly mumbling something about how Lavender Brown shot a mysterious object up his junglebaddungle (and for all of you too dense to understand...it's his arse, thank you very much). Moving on! As Harry and Hermione shagged each other in heated passion, and as Ron and Luna were 'getting it on' in the broom closet, and as Ginny suddenly rose from the dead and started making out with a 'lipsticked' Draco Malfoy, Dumbledore went through the door, having a heated snog with none other than Professor McGonagall.

The End.

...oh. And by the way. Innocent little Neville (the author's one and only) came in, utterly shocked at the sight before him. He hid under the sheets, but was only faced with a shriveled up Crabbe and Goyle. He died that night. (The author mourns).

The End 2.

...crap. I forgot another thing. Crookshanks hit it off well with Cho. They now have 87 little Kangs (a breed of kittens and changs).

The End 3.

Fine. Just one more thing. After a heated shag with Harry, Hermione went off to finally finish her 890 page Spanish novel entitled 'So...I love you.', which, by the way, she covered with a piece of paper with the words 'Fanfiction Reading For Morons' written on it, which also, by the way, was stuck onto the book with poor electric tape-just as Harry had confessed that he had still not changed pants ever since he, reported, tinkled 'accidentally' after the second 'psst'--

Hermione felt so hot that time that she decided to burn the book and feed its remains (forcibly) to Tinky Winky, a mysterious teletubby that happened to be looking for a ho-I mean...his friend Po; And then Hermione went on to shag Harry senseless for the second time around.

The End 4. (And yes, the author states that this is the very final one)...

Or is it?

hmmm...

Nah. There's one more thing though...Lucius Malfoy had a disgusting snogging session with none other than the Giant Squid, due to the fact that Voldemort had replaced him (Lucius: I WAS HIS HONEYPOOEY!) with some 'Guest Relations Officer' from club Pegasus (which just so happens to have Hercules, another mysterious character, dancing on a 10 foot pole...)

The End 5.

...finally.

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**A/N: I have a fetish for anti-Tinky Winkiness...sorry. I had this horrible dream where he tried a poor Arnold Shwa...whatever...accent and went on to violently rape my poor puppy named Shumi (gotten from the nickname of the famous F1 racer, Mr. Michael Schumacher). I woke up horrified and determined to set his dignity on fire...**

**anyways. I love the world.**

**...Im bored. Well, that ends it. Please review if you want...**

**TheFunkyDurian  
**


	2. An Author's Note

**A/N: Ah yes...ironic isnt it? How people take a humor fic so seriously. Wow...people are so--crappy these days. Im sorry. Look...dont you even read? sheesh. If you thought it was that bad in the first place, why even read it? It's your problem...you wanted to see the fic. Come on! From the title itself-geez. I dont know what is wrong with you. Just probably too dense to even read..if you even CAN.**

**Well, to those who kept their negative comments to themselves, I praise you. I really do. And to those that loved it (or liked it at least...), or took the time to read it, thank you.**

**And to that fugging arsehole who just LOVES flaming people...**

**Thank you too.**

**The Funky Durian.**


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